No, YOU're gonna need a bigger boat.

Dude.

I will never. EVER. EVER. Go on a cruise.

EVER.

I know I’ve said it before, and I’ve had my own, personal, I-Can’t-Fricking-Swim-And-Get-Nauseous-On-A-Boat-Of-Any-Size issues for years. Even a three-hour tour. That’s no secret. I can barely sit in a hot tub without feeling like I’m gonna hurl (for a number of reasons). But fuck cruises.

1. They just stop. The boats, that is. Just for no reason. They just stop working in the middle of the ocean. I have friends this has happened to. They were stuck. FOR DAYS. They had to be evacuated. FROM THEIR VACATION. Do they run out of gas? Do the hamsters stop going? Are the working-class, coal-shoveling Irishmen in the bowels of the ship tired? I don’t know, and I don’t care, because a ship with no power in the middle of the ocean is just asking for...
2. Pirates. Really. Yes. And they’re not the oddly effeminate, drunk, hair-braided-with-shells, Johnny Depp type of pirates. They’re crazy zombie-looking dudes with machetes who for some reason want to steal my lounge gear and the jewelry we had no business bringing on a cruise, anyhow. And they’re real. And they’re everywhere. This “international (lawless) waters” stuff is BULLSHIT, yo.
3. I hate people. I cannot imagine being cooped up with the same people for the duration of a cruise, especially because in situations like those I attract weirdos the way Kardashians attract black guys. You point out the weirdest person in the room, and they will find me. And want to sit next to me AT. EVERY. MEAL. I don’t go on vacation to make new friends, so leave me the Hell alone, Dale from Ohio.
4. Disease. I hate being sick. And a cruise seems like a much nastier science experiment than sitting in an airplane for a five-hour flight to LA. I’ve actually had more than one set of friends get VIOLENTLY ill from random “outbreaks” on their cruises. One was so bad that they were asked to SKIP one of their ports of call. FUUUUUUUUCK that.
5. People just disappear. Why are people not paying more attention to this? Uhm, it seems like every other month, someone is just “mysteriously disappearing” from their cruise. Falling overboard? Abducted by aliens? Taken below decks to be Julie McCoy’s sex slave? Who the hell knows? All I keep picturing is that guy who hit the propeller in “Titanic.” You know what I’m talking about. People puree, dude. People puree.
6. They capsize and sink. The only thing worse for me than sitting in a dead ship waiting for crazy zombie machete-wielding weirdos to cut me into pieces for a pair of Bermuda shorts and some travelers checks is THE SHIP SINKING. I’ve seen “Titanic.” I sat through BOTH versions of “The Poseidon Adventure.” And I also watched the news this past week. We’re talking about sending people to Mars, and we can’t figure out some system or building materials to keep a random rock from flipping over a goddamned cruise ship?
7. Charo. As a child, I LOVED “The Love Boat.” But whenever Charo showed up, that killed it for me. And I haven’t seen her in a while, so I’d imagine she’s on a cruise ship somewhere. MY cruise ship (see #3). No thanks.

So, enjoy the Lido Deck. Shuffle the Hell out of those boards. But leave me out of it.

Feel free to bring back some duty-free rum or tequila, though.

That’s the rant.

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