Holiday Remix: No More Singing

It's no surprise that most Christmas songs aren't any good.

For every Bing Crosby or Burl Ives, you've got 17

Selena Gomezes-es, the Chipmunks, or that Emmitt the Otter Jug Band bullshit. And those are just the folks singing new versions of old songs. Maybe, just MAYBE once every 10 years a *new* Christmas song will break through, but it's rare to say the least. For me, it's great, because there's no shortage of songs to pick on. It's sad that anyone with access to bells and a recording studio thinks that they have the right to make Christmas music. Ugh. But speaking of bells….

"Silver Bells"
I find this one hard to believe. If it's Christmastime in the city, you won't hear any bells. You'll hear some horns, definitely some sirens, some hookers asking if you need a date for your office party, some crying kids, and the occasional gunshot. Ding-a-ling, hear them ring? Not unless you're in Topeka. And I just saw that "city" on "COPS," so I'm not even so sure about that one, Chachi.

"Step into Christmas"

So, is Christmas a pair of pants? Boots? A pile of poop? I still don't get how I'm supposed to step in a holiday. Then again, Sir Elton, you also sang "Crocodile Rock," which I STILL don't get. Come to think of it, I don't really get any of your music. Crazy British people. At least this one isn't constantly caught diddling himself in a park. But more about THAT Brit later.

"Pretty Paper"
This one belongs on the Charlie Brown Christmas Special it's so depressing sounding. And can you say ADD? Dude, it's Christmas, and you're singing about the ribbons a

nd the paper? Hello, there are gifts under there. THAT's the good stuff! Unless you didn't get anything good... which is why you have to sing about the paper... and I stand by my original assessment that this is depressing as hell. And Roy, take off the dark glasses, you're freaking me out.


"Do they know it's Christmas? (Feed the world.)"
Lemme see. They live in a tribe in Africa. They don't believe in Jesus, if they even know who we're talking about. So, the answer would have to be...NO. And do they care? Not so much. If they saw a big fat white guy and 8 reindeer, there's good money that says they'd eat them. But the part of this song that always pisses me off? Bono yelling (about the poor naked starving Africans) "Tonight, thank God it's them, instead of you!!!" Wow. That's really the spirit of the season. Never mind the fact that feeding the world, as a noble cause, shouldn't be restricted to Christmas, a holiday they (once again) don't even care about. Luckily Bono got much better at this with about 20 years of practice.

No, they don't know it's Christmas. Thanks, jackass.

"Little Saint Nick"

I love the Beach Boys as much as any red-blooded American who longsfor the days when we could leave our front doors open and hang out with Gidget, but this song crosses a line. Santa in some souped-up
hot rod with "...a ski for a wheel?" I don't think so. And where are the reindeer, huh? Lemme guess...way down in Kokomo?

"Last Christmas"
Classic 80s junior high school Christmas party slow dance song. Too bad it started sucking for me when I realized that George Michael was singing about a DUDE. As for my casssingle? The very next day, I gave it away.


"Santa Claus is Coming To Town"
...yeah, and John Walsh from "America's Most Wanted" is right behind him, the stalker. He sees me when I'm sleeping, knows when I'm awake? Is he also digging through my trash and calling me at 3 AM just to hang up? No, wait, that's just my psycho neighbor. Never mind. Wrong song.


Oh crap. Now I have it stuck in my head. Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, c'mon pretty mama…Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go down to Kokomo, we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow, THAT's where we want to go…way down to Kokomo…


That's the rant.

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