Oh, Adam Sandler, where have you gone? Much like Saturday morning cartoons and innocence, you’re absent, and it makes me sad. Moreso when you keep making these awful movies. “Spanglish?” “Funny People?” (They weren’t.) That stupid-ass Disney movie that even my kids couldn’t sit through?
And now…you telegraph what you wish we would all do with the title of your latest failure: “Just Go With It.”
My answer is, NO.
Even though Brooklyn Decker is HAWT. Even though I could stare at Jennifer Aniston having a dental exam. I will not see your stupid rom-com. Why? First, a bikini is as naked as either of those chicks will be in that movie. Second, you’re not funny anymore. Third, you’re not funny anymore. “Zohan?” That one with Don Cheadle where your hair looked like Don King? Click? Dude – you tried to make me cry with THAT shit. You suck. I mean, we all have mortgages to pay, but are you even TRYING anymore? You’re now dead to me.
Have some dignity like David Spa—I mean, Will Ferr—oh, nevermind. They’re useless, too.
I’ll be point blank. Here’s when we like you – when you’re an idiot. Opera Man. Canteen Boy. Billy Madison. Happy Gilmore. These are what you’ll be remembered for. And while you spared us endless, useless sequels (I’m looking at YOU, Mike Myers), you gave us declining quality nonetheless. If it were still on the air, I’d expect you to pop up on “The Match Game” or as this generation’s J.P. Morgan on “The Gong Show.”
Scratch that. I forgot there are 176 versions of “The Chanukah Song.”
Go back to being stupid, Adam. Not making stupid choices. Or, just go away. And again I say, I will not “just go with it.”
And why the hell WAS J.P. Morgan famous?
That’s the rant.
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