Holiday Classic: Merry Uhm, Yeah, Whatever.

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You've waited all year for this. And now, let the holiday rants and re-rants begin.

So, the holiday season is in full swing, and that means the stupid commercials are out. Yeah, the outdated, ridiculous, and downright asinine commercials that they only trot out for the holidays, like:

The Ones For Idiot Guys. I am not an idiot. I do not need a jewelry store commercial to tell me that my wife likes jewelry. But apparently everyone else does. The one that ticked me off this year? Two jackasses high-fiving each other outside of Zales. Big whoop. You walked into the McDonalds of jewelry and ordered the #2 "Get me laid under the tree" special. No thought, no noting besides a 20 year old sales girl with a low-cut top telling you that your wife, who she doesn't know, will "love it." Oh yeah, Chachi. Every wife wants to have the $199 special you (and a million others guys) saw on TV. You're better off just handing her money, because you don't even have a thought that will count.

Still don't get it? How would you feel if she walked into Home Depot and got you the Black and Decker Corded Drill (on special, right by the door, for $19.99) or the Ryobi 18V Cordless, that the man in the orange apron has to unlock for you to even look at?

Ah…I can see the look on your face. Like the first time the caveman got fire from 2 rocks.

Moving on…

Toys I've NEVER Heard Of.Where the hell did this robotic dinosaur thing come from? For the past month, I've seen nothing but commercials for it. And now, of course, it's at the top of my 4-year-old's list.

Unfortunately for him, I can't really see spending over $100 for something that he'll clearly be afraid of the moment it moves. Trust me, I've tested it out in the store, and it took 20 minutes and an ice cream to calm him down. Speaking of toys…

Toys I Didn't Know They Made Anymore. I heard it from the other room and ran in just in time to see the commercial for PogoBall. Yeah, THAT PogoBall, the same one we had 20 years ago. As a matter-of-fact, it was THE SAME COMMERCIAL. I guess they have some left in a warehouse someplace.

Celebrity Fragrance.Want to smell like Britney? J-Lo? Other day-old celebrities? Then get sucked into their bargain basement fragrances that all the middle school girls will be getting this year, as the boys will be spraying themselves toes to tops with TAG body spray or some God-awful thing that smells like Antonio Banderas or P. Diddy.

Yeah, little dudes, let me tell you something, it doesn't work any better than the 4 LeTigre polos I talked my mom into getting me in 1984. No screaming girls chasing me. Not a one. Just a sucker kid with a dumb tiger on his shirt.

And as much as we'd like to think our families and friends have some sense, someone is going to buy you something you don't want, don't need, or don't even understand, just because they saw it in a commercial.

And you're going to have to grin and bear it.

That's the rant.

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Lido Deck Memories..

Love... Exciting and new...Come aboard...We're expecting you...

And loove,
Life's sweetest reward,
Let it float,It floats back to youuuuu,

(SING ALONG NOW!)

THE LOVE BOAT,
Soon you'll be making another

run,
The loovvve boat!
Promising something for everyone!

(yes, I just dated myself, but I don't give a crap, whippersnapper. Now get the hell off my lawn.)

Ah, the pinnacle of 1980s cheese TV. The Love Boat. Actually, for as crappy as it was, where else would you see the Mom and Dad

from "Happy Days" rub elbows with Jon from "ChiPs'" and George and Weezie Jefferson? (Well, besides the much-missed "Battle of the Network Stars." Damn, I loved that show, too!)

The concept? Take a bunch of celebrities. Put them on a boat with a bunch of madcaps, like the goofy bad guy from "Get Smart" and Murray from the "Mary Tyler Moore Show." Then, they fall in love and get off the boat, all in one hour. Yes, folks. All this, from the same great man who brought us Tori Spelling and some of the 1990s worst TV shows, too.

I just remember watching the credits - to see which celebrities were on this week (Whoa! Lynda Carter! Charlene Tilton! Charles Nelson Reilly - AGAIN??) and the first 5 minutes, when people were boarding the ship, trying to figure out who was gonna get with who by the end of the show. But, as every TV show rant has shown, of course I had questions.

Why were all these single people on one boat? Was it a special vacation package they were sold? Puerta Vallarta, Puerto Rico, and Nookie on the Aloha Deck?

Did anyone ever actually SEE Isaac making a drink? Every time I saw him, he was cleaning out glasses or wiping off the bar. I think it was a scam. That guy knew nothing about making drinks. Hell, I don't even think his name was Isaac. My other gripe is this: Are you telling me that Isaac was the only bartender on the whole ship? Sure seemed that way. If the action was by the pool, he was at the poolside bar. If the deep, meaningful talk was going on in the Pirate's Cove, he was down there, too. C'mon. That's an awful lot of work. Then again, all he did was wipe the bar off.

Man, F this f'ing job. F'ing honkies. 'cept Gopher. He's cool.

Why was Charo always on the damn boat? While you're at it, who the hell is Charo? As a kid, I only saw her on The Love Boat, and I've never seen her since. No one could understand her,

she acted, talked, and moved funny, and she was purely there for dumb laughs. She must be related to Jar Jar Binks.

For a cruise director, Julie flat-out sucked. Apparently, she let Doc, Isaac and Gopher do all of her leg work. If I took that show as gospel, I'd think her job is the easiest thing going. Ok, so I'm jealous. And "Ace," the ship's photographer? The day he showed up, even as a 10-year-old I realized that someone at the studio lost a bet there.

Why didn't they ever tell the REALLY good stories? If this show was an original idea today, it'd be like Showtime "Late Night" at Sea. And that would be HOT. Hell, I think I'm calling that one in to my peeps in Cali.

The moonlight kiss. This was a staple of every episode. At some point, a man in a tux and a woman in an evening gown would stand out on the deck and share a kiss under the fakiest fake moon there ever was. This was usually at the 25-minute mark of the show, giving them 35 minutes to break up and make up again.

Gopher. Could somebody please tell me what in the hell his job was, except scheming and hijinks? I just think he found an extra uniform and decided to hang out. Plus, you could never trust a grown man who answers to the name "Gopher." No, you just elect him to Congress.

What was up with the socks? Dudes. You're on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. Hell, you WORK

on a cruise ship. You're wearing shorts and short sleeves. Why pull your socks all the way up like some little school girl? Talk about a fashion faux pas. Live a little. Get some sun. Except for you, Isaac. Keep this nice, warm, red bartender jacket on.

I could go on forever, but I'll let you come up with some for yourselves.

That's the rant.

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